I fucking love the Indiana Jones ride.
Fuck.
I want to go on fucking adventures around the world.
That is what I want to fucking do.
Indiana Jimmy... Haha.
Chaz says he's down too.
JML
CHZ
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
The happiest place on earth huh?
Goin' to Disneyland in a bit.
Haven't been there in years.
I'm not as stoked as I should be. Hopefully that changes once I'm there.
Haven't been there in years.
I'm not as stoked as I should be. Hopefully that changes once I'm there.
Time Will Prove Everything
I feel nothing.
I lost myself.
Over the past couple of month's, I really have grown to mask so much of who I am and what's inside. There have been moments that I have slipped while in despair. I broke down about a month ago. And I totally saw it coming months ahead. Everything was falling apart and I mean fucking everything. My world was crumbling. Only one person who still stands beside me knows the complete truth of that day. To anyone else who thinks they know, they know nothing. I shouldn't have to prove myself.
I look down on the cowards, traitors and thieves, but I've realized that I have also let fear influence my actions. It's the reason why I hide behind a mask with the ones I love. Fear of being bare again. Fear of leaving myself vulnerable just to be torn apart again. Fuck. I've lost so much because of it in my life. I wish I hadn't let my little insecurities keep me from seeing the person I wanted to see more often or saying the deeper words I felt inside. I was blind, but once I opened my eyes it was already too late. I tried to make it right again, but I guess I fucked my image up too much by that point and created a stigma and lost respect. I wasn't being me. The feeling died and it just got ridiculous. Looking back I can see why things turned the way they did. I mean, it's not like I wasn't the only one that was fucked up, but shit, if I had known I was hiding what I was, I wouldn't have. And there was no front. None. Every word and every action was fucking real. All of it was sincere. All I did was dress them up and held back to keep my composure. I used to stumble over my words growing up all the fucking time and I fucking hated it. I hated looking like a awkward dork. Did you ever think about that? I remember I always wanted to be the kid everyone fucking wanted to be with or around. Just like you. I wonder how things would've turned out if I had managed to open up sooner and talk about these details with each other. How I hated who I was. No one except for one other has a fucking clue. So through the years I worked on myself. And the person you met was the product of all that work. Smooth right? Cool guy, ha. I'm not fucking getting into this again, but I find myself being that awkward dude stumbling over my words again. I'm so distracted. So anyways, in the last days I went too far in the opposite route being wayyy too fucking dorky while still holding back the real me. It's hard, but the best things in this life don't come easy. You just gotta hold on I guess. Or maybe I got it all wrong. I was all twisted up inside. Confused about what to do and suspicious that I was in some game. I just needed that one chance to to look you in the eyes and feel the truth. Now we won't know. As far as what common interests go, I wanted the same thing. The same fucking thing. That life to call our own. I just wasn't sure in the beginning. By the time I knew, you had already broke your word and let go. I didn't. I'm so stubborn but when I see substance I can't just let it die. No matter how fucked it already is or even if I don't know how to go about it.
I feel like I'm babbling. I didn't think I'd write about this shit again. I feel nothing anymore. I feel fucking nothing. All there is are the thoughts that allude me. They won't fully leave me. I felt like gold the other night, but then another revelation hit me in the shower and the thoughts continued. I'm feelin' fine though. I just know something great that could have been is now lost. You're only as hard as you are on the outside because of how soft you are on the inside and you're not over the past. I saw right through. Maybe I should've said something, but whatever. It's too late now.
And I can tell when someone's blowing their heads the fuck up. All that attention. Eat it right up.
And I re-read the lyrics of that song today. The one wrapped around your side. That is what I felt for you inside. I didn't show it but I absolutely pushed everything aside for you. Even in my mind, you always had center stage. And I still find it hard to get you completely out of my head. Even with how fucked things became. I was planning on finding an acoustic somewhere and recording a cover of that song last week and sending it to you somehow or dropping it off at your house. Eventually playing it for you. But you let go and so I have as well.
Day by day, I'm gaining my life back. You can't rely on others to fill the emptiness inside.
I have way too many opposing layers within myself.
I am contradiction.
I'm sure I can find my answers on my own but maybe I'll find someone with the patience and understanding to help me along the way. I know I already have someone who is already doing so, but I mean it in that other way.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I am bare to the world.
Now it's time to put the peices back together again. I'm taking what matters and tossing the bullshit.
Time will prove everything.
I lost myself.
Over the past couple of month's, I really have grown to mask so much of who I am and what's inside. There have been moments that I have slipped while in despair. I broke down about a month ago. And I totally saw it coming months ahead. Everything was falling apart and I mean fucking everything. My world was crumbling. Only one person who still stands beside me knows the complete truth of that day. To anyone else who thinks they know, they know nothing. I shouldn't have to prove myself.
I look down on the cowards, traitors and thieves, but I've realized that I have also let fear influence my actions. It's the reason why I hide behind a mask with the ones I love. Fear of being bare again. Fear of leaving myself vulnerable just to be torn apart again. Fuck. I've lost so much because of it in my life. I wish I hadn't let my little insecurities keep me from seeing the person I wanted to see more often or saying the deeper words I felt inside. I was blind, but once I opened my eyes it was already too late. I tried to make it right again, but I guess I fucked my image up too much by that point and created a stigma and lost respect. I wasn't being me. The feeling died and it just got ridiculous. Looking back I can see why things turned the way they did. I mean, it's not like I wasn't the only one that was fucked up, but shit, if I had known I was hiding what I was, I wouldn't have. And there was no front. None. Every word and every action was fucking real. All of it was sincere. All I did was dress them up and held back to keep my composure. I used to stumble over my words growing up all the fucking time and I fucking hated it. I hated looking like a awkward dork. Did you ever think about that? I remember I always wanted to be the kid everyone fucking wanted to be with or around. Just like you. I wonder how things would've turned out if I had managed to open up sooner and talk about these details with each other. How I hated who I was. No one except for one other has a fucking clue. So through the years I worked on myself. And the person you met was the product of all that work. Smooth right? Cool guy, ha. I'm not fucking getting into this again, but I find myself being that awkward dude stumbling over my words again. I'm so distracted. So anyways, in the last days I went too far in the opposite route being wayyy too fucking dorky while still holding back the real me. It's hard, but the best things in this life don't come easy. You just gotta hold on I guess. Or maybe I got it all wrong. I was all twisted up inside. Confused about what to do and suspicious that I was in some game. I just needed that one chance to to look you in the eyes and feel the truth. Now we won't know. As far as what common interests go, I wanted the same thing. The same fucking thing. That life to call our own. I just wasn't sure in the beginning. By the time I knew, you had already broke your word and let go. I didn't. I'm so stubborn but when I see substance I can't just let it die. No matter how fucked it already is or even if I don't know how to go about it.
I feel like I'm babbling. I didn't think I'd write about this shit again. I feel nothing anymore. I feel fucking nothing. All there is are the thoughts that allude me. They won't fully leave me. I felt like gold the other night, but then another revelation hit me in the shower and the thoughts continued. I'm feelin' fine though. I just know something great that could have been is now lost. You're only as hard as you are on the outside because of how soft you are on the inside and you're not over the past. I saw right through. Maybe I should've said something, but whatever. It's too late now.
And I can tell when someone's blowing their heads the fuck up. All that attention. Eat it right up.
And I re-read the lyrics of that song today. The one wrapped around your side. That is what I felt for you inside. I didn't show it but I absolutely pushed everything aside for you. Even in my mind, you always had center stage. And I still find it hard to get you completely out of my head. Even with how fucked things became. I was planning on finding an acoustic somewhere and recording a cover of that song last week and sending it to you somehow or dropping it off at your house. Eventually playing it for you. But you let go and so I have as well.
Day by day, I'm gaining my life back. You can't rely on others to fill the emptiness inside.
I have way too many opposing layers within myself.
I am contradiction.
I'm sure I can find my answers on my own but maybe I'll find someone with the patience and understanding to help me along the way. I know I already have someone who is already doing so, but I mean it in that other way.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I am bare to the world.
Now it's time to put the peices back together again. I'm taking what matters and tossing the bullshit.
Time will prove everything.
The Broken Vow
Those nights we had and the trust we lost
The sleep that fled me and the heart I lost
It all reminds me
Just how callous and heartless the true cowards are
And I write this for the loveless
And for the risks we take
I'll take my love to the grave
As tired and worn it is
I'll take my love to the grave
The sleep that fled me and the heart I lost
It all reminds me
Just how callous and heartless the true cowards are
And I write this for the loveless
And for the risks we take
I'll take my love to the grave
As tired and worn it is
I'll take my love to the grave
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Resurgance
What's up with the lack of good music these days?
Fuck.
Although, theres something about that new Burden of a Day song that I just LOVE.
KZII multiplayer is fucking sweet. Gonna play that in a little.
I want to get a hair cut, new clothes, and some sweet classy fucking shoes.
I've been working out lately. Gotta step it up though.
Also,
Chaz and I are gonna start this acoustic shit soon.
Females of the world...
Brace yourselves.
Fuck.
Although, theres something about that new Burden of a Day song that I just LOVE.
KZII multiplayer is fucking sweet. Gonna play that in a little.
I want to get a hair cut, new clothes, and some sweet classy fucking shoes.
I've been working out lately. Gotta step it up though.
Also,
Chaz and I are gonna start this acoustic shit soon.
Females of the world...
Brace yourselves.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
You can't kill what is already dead.
I'ts not hurting. That was the three weeks prior to talking again.
I just know potential when I see it.
The last few days I tried being chill and not so pushy about stuff. I had held back my real feelings while at the same time being way too much of a dork. I doubt that was it though.
Whatever.
Time will prove everything.
I just know potential when I see it.
The last few days I tried being chill and not so pushy about stuff. I had held back my real feelings while at the same time being way too much of a dork. I doubt that was it though.
Whatever.
Time will prove everything.
Two options
I can stay gold and be bare to the world again.
Or I can put that mask back on and never take it off again.
Or I can put that mask back on and never take it off again.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I may have forgot everything I was
But I fell in love with the potential of that life to call our own.
I let go.
I let go.
Today my heart collapsed.
And the feeling in my stomachs like a knife in my back.
And it's too damn short for me to get a grip
and pull the fucker out before it sticks.
Today my lungs collapsed
And I'm choking on my blood which has all turned black
And everything I'm spitting out
Just spells your name.
Why, oh why, would you use that one.
You know I never used it, cause it just ain't on.
Can you pull it out of me please
Cause it really fucking hurts and Its making me dizzy
No? Well fine, then ill tell you what.
I'm gonna tell you that I love you till my breathing stops.
Today my heart collapsed
Everything was fine and now I'm ready to relapse.
I can't understand how you made it through
I'm totally fucked cause I'm falling for you...
Today my lungs collapsed
and I'm choking on my blood which has all turned black
and everything I'm spitting out
I'm spitting out.
Why would you use that one
you know I never used it cause it just ain't on.
Can you pull it outta me please
Cause it really fucking hurts and it's making me dizzy
No! Well fine then I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna tell you that I love you till my breathing stops.
The black heart king
has met his black heart queen
forgot everything he was
for the taste of her skin
his nights no longer lonely
once he let her in
and by the orchestra of wolves
you can hear him sing.
And it's too damn short for me to get a grip
and pull the fucker out before it sticks.
Today my lungs collapsed
And I'm choking on my blood which has all turned black
And everything I'm spitting out
Just spells your name.
Why, oh why, would you use that one.
You know I never used it, cause it just ain't on.
Can you pull it out of me please
Cause it really fucking hurts and Its making me dizzy
No? Well fine, then ill tell you what.
I'm gonna tell you that I love you till my breathing stops.
Today my heart collapsed
Everything was fine and now I'm ready to relapse.
I can't understand how you made it through
I'm totally fucked cause I'm falling for you...
Today my lungs collapsed
and I'm choking on my blood which has all turned black
and everything I'm spitting out
I'm spitting out.
Why would you use that one
you know I never used it cause it just ain't on.
Can you pull it outta me please
Cause it really fucking hurts and it's making me dizzy
No! Well fine then I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna tell you that I love you till my breathing stops.
The black heart king
has met his black heart queen
forgot everything he was
for the taste of her skin
his nights no longer lonely
once he let her in
and by the orchestra of wolves
you can hear him sing.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Chance
It astounds me how much of an idiot I can be at the worst times. How I can let my ego and pride blind me from my actions with those I care about. How I let my anger, pain, frustration and disappointment further the dagger. And the things I lose in the process that meant so much.
That isn't me. Not the real me. Although, at times I have let these influence my actions and outlook, my feelings are always the same. In fact, sometimes it actually bothers me how unconditional I am. How hard it is for me to try and hold a grudge or just be angry at someone who I care for but has hurt me. It's also hard for me to show that I have been hurt and this goes back to my pride and ego. However, my feelings are always consistent. It can be hard for me to express that when the person I care about matters so much to me. The fear of the past and of loss. It's stupid, I know, but that's how it was. I couldn't really see it till recently either.
I always assumed that those I cared for could see past my sarcasm and closed book personality, and be confident that I care for them, but that's not always the case. And it's not until I can absolutely trust someone that I can be completely open and honest with my feelings. I really do wear my heart on my sleeves. I've just been fucked over and stabbed in the chest too many times to not fear the loss of someone significant to me due to my own insecurity and shame. I thought I was so secure. Thought I was solid. Guess I'm not as solid as I thought I was.
"You've been very unsure of yourself lately."
I lost sight of the person I was. Everyone can see it. I tell them all I'll be fine and I will.
I'll put the pieces back together someway. It's still beating.
That isn't me. Not the real me. Although, at times I have let these influence my actions and outlook, my feelings are always the same. In fact, sometimes it actually bothers me how unconditional I am. How hard it is for me to try and hold a grudge or just be angry at someone who I care for but has hurt me. It's also hard for me to show that I have been hurt and this goes back to my pride and ego. However, my feelings are always consistent. It can be hard for me to express that when the person I care about matters so much to me. The fear of the past and of loss. It's stupid, I know, but that's how it was. I couldn't really see it till recently either.
I always assumed that those I cared for could see past my sarcasm and closed book personality, and be confident that I care for them, but that's not always the case. And it's not until I can absolutely trust someone that I can be completely open and honest with my feelings. I really do wear my heart on my sleeves. I've just been fucked over and stabbed in the chest too many times to not fear the loss of someone significant to me due to my own insecurity and shame. I thought I was so secure. Thought I was solid. Guess I'm not as solid as I thought I was.
"You've been very unsure of yourself lately."
I lost sight of the person I was. Everyone can see it. I tell them all I'll be fine and I will.
I'll put the pieces back together someway. It's still beating.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My heart is heavy.
I'll prove this world wrong.
I'll give this world a piece of me.
For the hearts still beating...
I'll move these mountains.
I walk this road.
I'll give this world a piece of me.
For the hearts still beating...
I'll move these mountains.
I walk this road.
Last Light
I need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
I need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
I need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
I need you to be the might of their first kiss
I need a purpose and I need a reason
I need to know that there is trophy and meaning
To all that we lose and all we fight for
To all our loves and our wars
Keep breathing
Keep living
Keep searching
Keep pushing on
Keep bleeding
Keep healing
Keep fading
Keep shining on
This is for the hearts still beating
I need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
I need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
I need you to be the might of their first kiss
I need a purpose and I need a reason
I need to know that there is trophy and meaning
To all that we lose and all we fight for
To all our loves and our wars
Keep breathing
Keep living
Keep searching
Keep pushing on
Keep bleeding
Keep healing
Keep fading
Keep shining on
This is for the hearts still beating
Still, I can't
Sometimes I wish I knew how to hold a grudge.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to lose hope.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to lose hope.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Haven't you heard?
I'm the main character of the world.
And you're just a supporting role.
Duh.
Ha
Currently wanting to:
Go to the Getty in LA
Vacation in Sinai again
SHREDDDDDDDD in a good band (in the works)
Get a new book (suggestions?)
Get new clothes
Get new phone
Get new ride
Get new job
Go to hollywood
Move out
Start working out again and eating right ( i've lost over 10 pounds in the last month and im not sure how that happened)
Break out
Start writing again
Bring roller blading back (its gonna happen)
Watch The Wrestler
Go fishing (set for this weekend)
Pick up playing pool again and playing people for money (after I grow that sweet stache)
Muay Thai training
holla-saurus-rex at the new hyna in the neighborhood
Stretch ears
Finally let Chaz penetrate my skin (VENI VIDI VICI along the bottom of my neck)
Finish learning to play "Tearin' Up My Heart" on acoustic
Thrash xxxtra hard at a GOOD show (exc at chain is almost upon us/napalm death + trap them in LA)
Travel (before 23, thats the plan)
Road trip (Vegas should happen this month and Seattle for Rain Fest maybe)
Get a Canon XH-A1
Make short films
and
Eliminate brains (preferably yours)
I'll finish this list later.
Adieu nerds.
<3
And you're just a supporting role.
Duh.
Ha
Currently wanting to:
Go to the Getty in LA
Vacation in Sinai again
SHREDDDDDDDD in a good band (in the works)
Get a new book (suggestions?)
Get new clothes
Get new phone
Get new ride
Get new job
Go to hollywood
Move out
Start working out again and eating right ( i've lost over 10 pounds in the last month and im not sure how that happened)
Break out
Start writing again
Bring roller blading back (its gonna happen)
Watch The Wrestler
Go fishing (set for this weekend)
Pick up playing pool again and playing people for money (after I grow that sweet stache)
Muay Thai training
holla-
Stretch ears
Finally let Chaz penetrate my skin (VENI VIDI VICI along the bottom of my neck)
Finish learning to play "Tearin' Up My Heart" on acoustic
Thrash xxxtra hard at a GOOD show (exc at chain is almost upon us/napalm death + trap them in LA)
Travel (before 23, thats the plan)
Road trip (Vegas should happen this month and Seattle for Rain Fest maybe)
Get a Canon XH-A1
Make short films
and
Eliminate brains (preferably yours)
I'll finish this list later.
Adieu nerds.
<3
It kills me.
It's tearing away at me. I'm constantly fluctuating between highs and lows. I'll be on cloud 9 one moment and at the bottom of the fucking world the next.
I hide so much just so I wouldn't have to feel that pain again. And this time, that was a part of what killed it. The fucking opposite. It's live and learn but fuck... It's so fucking disheartening. I always had the best intentions. I cared so much. Maybe thats why I relied so much on things that weren't of me. So that I wouldn't fuck it up, but I did anyway. I cared too much. It wasn't all on me but I can see now the change that took place in me. And pride is an unfortunate thing.
I always had the best intentions. I never played games. No tricks. I meant all the things I said and all the things I didn't.
Or am I just fooling myself again?
I hide so much just so I wouldn't have to feel that pain again. And this time, that was a part of what killed it. The fucking opposite. It's live and learn but fuck... It's so fucking disheartening. I always had the best intentions. I cared so much. Maybe thats why I relied so much on things that weren't of me. So that I wouldn't fuck it up, but I did anyway. I cared too much. It wasn't all on me but I can see now the change that took place in me. And pride is an unfortunate thing.
I always had the best intentions. I never played games. No tricks. I meant all the things I said and all the things I didn't.
Or am I just fooling myself again?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
That all too familiar song.
I've failed in love again.
Will I ever win?
All the pain and suffering.
Born to lose, accept my fate.
Looking back I hate myself for the scars I've left.
I have become my nightmares, I have become my fears.
Everything I've touched has rot away.
Can I redeem myself for the pain I've caused?
Filled with regrets, my heart in my hands.
To love is to lose, to hope is to die,
In the end I've lost everything I had.
I live this life with guilt in my heart.
Through suffering I find strength.
For every one step back,
I take two forward.
Will I ever win?
All the pain and suffering.
Born to lose, accept my fate.
Looking back I hate myself for the scars I've left.
I have become my nightmares, I have become my fears.
Everything I've touched has rot away.
Can I redeem myself for the pain I've caused?
Filled with regrets, my heart in my hands.
To love is to lose, to hope is to die,
In the end I've lost everything I had.
I live this life with guilt in my heart.
Through suffering I find strength.
For every one step back,
I take two forward.
I don't care anymore.
Hit the lights
I've had enough
Guilt to build a city
Shame to fill a sea
Reasons to give up and lose everything
Regret to burn this body
Filth to cut these hands
Reasons to bury this and everything we have
Hit the lights
Just hit the lights
I don't care anymore
I've had enough
Guilt to build a city
Shame to fill a sea
Reasons to give up and lose everything
Regret to burn this body
Filth to cut these hands
Reasons to bury this and everything we have
Hit the lights
Just hit the lights
I don't care anymore
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Coward.
Fear and Selfishness.
Unfortunate destroyers.
Hurt them before the slightest possibility of them hurting you?
This society is twisted.
Demoralized.
Cowardice.
Pathetic.
I reject it.
Unfortunate destroyers.
Hurt them before the slightest possibility of them hurting you?
This society is twisted.
Demoralized.
Cowardice.
Pathetic.
I reject it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
These are my days.
I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down
Someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice?
Nailed it.
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down
Someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice?
Nailed it.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Confliction.
There is the man I think I am.
The man I think I want to be.
I was torn.
But can you see the real me?
The man I think I want to be.
I was torn.
But can you see the real me?
It's true.
Do you have an idea how crazy you are?
Do you mean the nature of this conversation?
I mean the nature of you.
Do you mean the nature of this conversation?
I mean the nature of you.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
So much for so little.
Clarity:
I should have ended it right then and there. Always follow your instincts. Those words leave my mouth so much, but it really is harder to take your own advice. I knew where we were headed from that first dreadful moment, but what can I say, I wanted to prove your past wrong as well as what my head was telling me.
If only I had walked away that first night when I came home numb from first sight. I would have saved myself all the trouble I knew I was in for. I knew there had to be a catch. Everything told me to turn away, but when I said I wasn't going to hurt you, I meant it. You see, I was the type of guy that would walk away. But I gave you my word and I fucking meant it. There was a part of me that felt some good in a part of you. We both wear the scars of our pasts.
I fought myself from letting go on that Tuesday that you destroyed yourself in me. And I saw right through what you were doing. I still remember not being able to help myself but laugh while on that bed hearing you project your insecurities with a frost cast over you that undeniably first ruined my image of you and pushed me away. I went home that night with a knife brushing at my side and an unnamed dread surrounding me. Choking me. I knew what it was I had to do, but I wouldn't let myself give up on you. You may think you know what it is you want, but you have no idea on how to get it or what it is for that matter.
Last Saturday, you let your insecurity destroy it. I told myself I was done with you that night. And crisis brought me back to you that Sunday. There is so much about that day that you don't even hold a fraction of understanding about. And I wanted to be able to confide in you. I knew I'd regret that phone call, but I never thought you could be that heartless. I should have just stuck to my guns, cut my losses and moved on. Better late than never. We talked that night, and I trusted the words you spoke to me, but now I can see how truly ugly you are inside. It's all one big affirmation that you aren't the heart of gold I'm looking for.
Fuck insecurities. Fuck trust issues. Fuck immaturity. Fuck instability. Fuck selfishness. Fuck your hypocrisy.
Unloyal and dishonest.
That is what you are.
And although, I feel I have been betrayed, it doesn't bother me so much. I'm feeling good and I've already been moving on. I knew it would be better this way. You're not ready. Not one bit, sweetheart. I stood by my words and I didn't walk away all the times I knew I should have. You were trying to change the person I am. You were being a child. I know I can walk away from this now knowing I did everything I could to try and make it work. I put in the effort for trust and in the beginning we did have substance. I know you felt something real that night on the shore and even in that theater. Fuck it though. All that is gone now. When it came to being face to face, I put in the real effort. I was genuine. I was gold. But you were too buried in your past to see that.
I just love how you tried to bring me down to your level of insecurity. And you succeeded to a certain extent and for this I am to blame. You're still drowning in your past. I'm not an open book. And It's not easy for me to be open after everything I've been through, but for you, I honestly tried even though you were only trying to come off as difficult because you were so easy for me to read and you couldn't handle that so you'd become cold and I'd laugh at how childish it was and you'd get colder. Fucking rad...
That first night on the beach, you spoke a truth, " You're too good to pass up." You were right. You will never find another guy like me. I know how cocky that sounds but I know who I am and what I'm about. I guess maybe you were just afraid that I would end up hurting you after being so "perfect" in your eyes and maybe sometimes I did hurt you, but I never intentionally tried to do so. I am far from perfect. Maybe I was an asshole at times, but it was only because you were a bitch and pushed me away into being that asshole. You were always hurting yourself based on nothing but the most meaningless actions and words of mine. I know you felt something that night and I know that was what got to you. What made you scared... The same reason you couldn't look me in the eyes.
Never again will I compromise my dignity to cater to someone's insecurities. I just didn't want to hurt your excessively sensitive feelings, but I guess that's my fault for not giving you a novel of all the things I saw wrong in you.
It was your cold pride filled insecure heart that drove away the person you met that night at the restaurant.
But it's still me who was the asshole, right? The dick.
Ha...
You found me through truth. You know you saw it in me every time I looked you in the eyes. I was never anything but genuine with you. I told you I would prove how much you meant to me on that night, and I did.
Remember that.
But will you still reflect on what we had.
And all of the potential.
About that night you asked me why I got you those roses and what they meant and I didn't tell you... I am guilty of having pride as well and I can say that was the reason I couldn't tell you then and there.
They were each a promise to you, from me.
Yellow for honesty.
Yellow for loyalty.
Red for love.
They say you gotta do what you gotta do.
And I'm gonna do what it is I have to.
I won't miss you.
So much for honesty.
So much for loyalty.
So much for love.
Another one bites the fuckin' dust.
I WON'T LET THIS HEART OF GOLD
TURN ICE COLD
I'll stay gold.
I'll find my heart of gold.
I should have ended it right then and there. Always follow your instincts. Those words leave my mouth so much, but it really is harder to take your own advice. I knew where we were headed from that first dreadful moment, but what can I say, I wanted to prove your past wrong as well as what my head was telling me.
If only I had walked away that first night when I came home numb from first sight. I would have saved myself all the trouble I knew I was in for. I knew there had to be a catch. Everything told me to turn away, but when I said I wasn't going to hurt you, I meant it. You see, I was the type of guy that would walk away. But I gave you my word and I fucking meant it. There was a part of me that felt some good in a part of you. We both wear the scars of our pasts.
I fought myself from letting go on that Tuesday that you destroyed yourself in me. And I saw right through what you were doing. I still remember not being able to help myself but laugh while on that bed hearing you project your insecurities with a frost cast over you that undeniably first ruined my image of you and pushed me away. I went home that night with a knife brushing at my side and an unnamed dread surrounding me. Choking me. I knew what it was I had to do, but I wouldn't let myself give up on you. You may think you know what it is you want, but you have no idea on how to get it or what it is for that matter.
Last Saturday, you let your insecurity destroy it. I told myself I was done with you that night. And crisis brought me back to you that Sunday. There is so much about that day that you don't even hold a fraction of understanding about. And I wanted to be able to confide in you. I knew I'd regret that phone call, but I never thought you could be that heartless. I should have just stuck to my guns, cut my losses and moved on. Better late than never. We talked that night, and I trusted the words you spoke to me, but now I can see how truly ugly you are inside. It's all one big affirmation that you aren't the heart of gold I'm looking for.
Fuck insecurities. Fuck trust issues. Fuck immaturity. Fuck instability. Fuck selfishness. Fuck your hypocrisy.
Unloyal and dishonest.
That is what you are.
And although, I feel I have been betrayed, it doesn't bother me so much. I'm feeling good and I've already been moving on. I knew it would be better this way. You're not ready. Not one bit, sweetheart. I stood by my words and I didn't walk away all the times I knew I should have. You were trying to change the person I am. You were being a child. I know I can walk away from this now knowing I did everything I could to try and make it work. I put in the effort for trust and in the beginning we did have substance. I know you felt something real that night on the shore and even in that theater. Fuck it though. All that is gone now. When it came to being face to face, I put in the real effort. I was genuine. I was gold. But you were too buried in your past to see that.
I just love how you tried to bring me down to your level of insecurity. And you succeeded to a certain extent and for this I am to blame. You're still drowning in your past. I'm not an open book. And It's not easy for me to be open after everything I've been through, but for you, I honestly tried even though you were only trying to come off as difficult because you were so easy for me to read and you couldn't handle that so you'd become cold and I'd laugh at how childish it was and you'd get colder. Fucking rad...
That first night on the beach, you spoke a truth, " You're too good to pass up." You were right. You will never find another guy like me. I know how cocky that sounds but I know who I am and what I'm about. I guess maybe you were just afraid that I would end up hurting you after being so "perfect" in your eyes and maybe sometimes I did hurt you, but I never intentionally tried to do so. I am far from perfect. Maybe I was an asshole at times, but it was only because you were a bitch and pushed me away into being that asshole. You were always hurting yourself based on nothing but the most meaningless actions and words of mine. I know you felt something that night and I know that was what got to you. What made you scared... The same reason you couldn't look me in the eyes.
Never again will I compromise my dignity to cater to someone's insecurities. I just didn't want to hurt your excessively sensitive feelings, but I guess that's my fault for not giving you a novel of all the things I saw wrong in you.
It was your cold pride filled insecure heart that drove away the person you met that night at the restaurant.
But it's still me who was the asshole, right? The dick.
Ha...
You found me through truth. You know you saw it in me every time I looked you in the eyes. I was never anything but genuine with you. I told you I would prove how much you meant to me on that night, and I did.
Remember that.
But will you still reflect on what we had.
And all of the potential.
About that night you asked me why I got you those roses and what they meant and I didn't tell you... I am guilty of having pride as well and I can say that was the reason I couldn't tell you then and there.
They were each a promise to you, from me.
Yellow for honesty.
Yellow for loyalty.
Red for love.
They say you gotta do what you gotta do.
And I'm gonna do what it is I have to.
I won't miss you.
So much for honesty.
So much for loyalty.
So much for love.
Another one bites the fuckin' dust.
I WON'T LET THIS HEART OF GOLD
TURN ICE COLD
I'll stay gold.
I'll find my heart of gold.
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