So much for so little.

Clarity:

I should have ended it right then and there. Always follow your instincts. Those words leave my mouth so much, but it really is harder to take your own advice. I knew where we were headed from that first dreadful moment, but what can I say, I wanted to prove your past wrong as well as what my head was telling me.

If only I had walked away that first night when I came home numb from first sight. I would have saved myself all the trouble I knew I was in for. I knew there had to be a catch. Everything told me to turn away, but when I said I wasn't going to hurt you, I meant it. You see, I was the type of guy that would walk away. But I gave you my word and I fucking meant it. There was a part of me that felt some good in a part of you. We both wear the scars of our pasts.

I fought myself from letting go on that Tuesday that you destroyed yourself in me. And I saw right through what you were doing. I still remember not being able to help myself but laugh while on that bed hearing you project your insecurities with a frost cast over you that undeniably first ruined my image of you and pushed me away. I went home that night with a knife brushing at my side and an unnamed dread surrounding me. Choking me. I knew what it was I had to do, but I wouldn't let myself give up on you. You may think you know what it is you want, but you have no idea on how to get it or what it is for that matter.

Last Saturday, you let your insecurity destroy it. I told myself I was done with you that night. And crisis brought me back to you that Sunday. There is so much about that day that you don't even hold a fraction of understanding about. And I wanted to be able to confide in you. I knew I'd regret that phone call, but I never thought you could be that heartless. I should have just stuck to my guns, cut my losses and moved on. Better late than never. We talked that night, and I trusted the words you spoke to me, but now I can see how truly ugly you are inside. It's all one big affirmation that you aren't the heart of gold I'm looking for.


Fuck insecurities. Fuck trust issues. Fuck immaturity. Fuck instability. Fuck selfishness. Fuck your hypocrisy.

Unloyal and dishonest.
That is what you are.


And although, I feel I have been betrayed, it doesn't bother me so much. I'm feeling good and I've already been moving on. I knew it would be better this way. You're not ready. Not one bit, sweetheart. I stood by my words and I didn't walk away all the times I knew I should have. You were trying to change the person I am. You were being a child. I know I can walk away from this now knowing I did everything I could to try and make it work. I put in the effort for trust and in the beginning we did have substance. I know you felt something real that night on the shore and even in that theater. Fuck it though. All that is gone now. When it came to being face to face, I put in the real effort. I was genuine. I was gold. But you were too buried in your past to see that.

I just love how you tried to bring me down to your level of insecurity. And you succeeded to a certain extent and for this I am to blame. You're still drowning in your past. I'm not an open book. And It's not easy for me to be open after everything I've been through, but for you, I honestly tried even though you were only trying to come off as difficult because you were so easy for me to read and you couldn't handle that so you'd become cold and I'd laugh at how childish it was and you'd get colder. Fucking rad...

That first night on the beach, you spoke a truth, " You're too good to pass up." You were right. You will never find another guy like me. I know how cocky that sounds but I know who I am and what I'm about. I guess maybe you were just afraid that I would end up hurting you after being so "perfect" in your eyes and maybe sometimes I did hurt you, but I never intentionally tried to do so. I am far from perfect. Maybe I was an asshole at times, but it was only because you were a bitch and pushed me away into being that asshole. You were always hurting yourself based on nothing but the most meaningless actions and words of mine. I know you felt something that night and I know that was what got to you. What made you scared... The same reason you couldn't look me in the eyes.


Never again will I compromise my dignity to cater to someone's insecurities. I just didn't want to hurt your excessively sensitive feelings, but I guess that's my fault for not giving you a novel of all the things I saw wrong in you.


It was your cold pride filled insecure heart that drove away the person you met that night at the restaurant.

But it's still me who was the asshole, right? The dick.
Ha...

You found me through truth. You know you saw it in me every time I looked you in the eyes. I was never anything but genuine with you. I told you I would prove how much you meant to me on that night, and I did.

Remember that.

But will you still reflect on what we had.
And all of the potential.


About that night you asked me why I got you those roses and what they meant and I didn't tell you... I am guilty of having pride as well and I can say that was the reason I couldn't tell you then and there.

They were each a promise to you, from me.

Yellow for honesty.
Yellow for loyalty.
Red for love.

They say you gotta do what you gotta do.

And I'm gonna do what it is I have to.

I won't miss you.




So much for honesty.

So much for loyalty.

So much for love.

Another one bites the fuckin' dust.






I WON'T LET THIS HEART OF GOLD

TURN ICE COLD

I'll stay gold.

I'll find my heart of gold.