The Chance

It astounds me how much of an idiot I can be at the worst times. How I can let my ego and pride blind me from my actions with those I care about. How I let my anger, pain, frustration and disappointment further the dagger. And the things I lose in the process that meant so much.

That isn't me. Not the real me. Although, at times I have let these influence my actions and outlook, my feelings are always the same. In fact, sometimes it actually bothers me how unconditional I am. How hard it is for me to try and hold a grudge or just be angry at someone who I care for but has hurt me. It's also hard for me to show that I have been hurt and this goes back to my pride and ego. However, my feelings are always consistent. It can be hard for me to express that when the person I care about matters so much to me. The fear of the past and of loss. It's stupid, I know, but that's how it was. I couldn't really see it till recently either.

I always assumed that those I cared for could see past my sarcasm and closed book personality, and be confident that I care for them, but that's not always the case. And it's not until I can absolutely trust someone that I can be completely open and honest with my feelings. I really do wear my heart on my sleeves. I've just been fucked over and stabbed in the chest too many times to not fear the loss of someone significant to me due to my own insecurity and shame. I thought I was so secure. Thought I was solid. Guess I'm not as solid as I thought I was.

"You've been very unsure of yourself lately."

I lost sight of the person I was. Everyone can see it. I tell them all I'll be fine and I will.

I'll put the pieces back together someway. It's still beating.